Healing Your Heart From Pet Loss

By Tracie Barton-Barrett, MS, NCC, LPC 

Michelle never wanted to make this decision. She gazed with loving eyes upon her dog, Max, as he lay on his side. Although his tail still gave a quick, uncoordinated wag when he saw her, Max was no longer interested in food or his squeaky toy.

Countless memories flooded Michelle’s mind while tears streamed down her face. Max was her companion and listening ear years before she met her husband and had children. Now, she faced the most difficult decision any animal lover has to make. After restless thoughts and sleepless nights, Michelle summoned the courage to make the gut-wrenching call to the veterinarian. What Michelle didn’t anticipate was the deluge of emotions that seemed to knock the wind out of her, including missing a few days from work.   

Valued Beings

The love of my life. My true love. My best friend. My heart dog, cat, horse. My family. My partner. At first glance, these terms may seem strange, but for someone who cares deeply for an animal, it may be the only true, unconditional love they experience. Because of that, these are the only terms that truly encompass what the animal means for them.

Our animals are living warehouses of our experiences and, when they die, we might feel as though parts of our history and ourselves die, too. They remind us of our time in college, or moving to a new city for a job, the birth of our child, or our 3^rd grade teacher. So, if an even well-intentioned person says, “He was just a dog. He was just a cat. Why don’t you just get another one?”  it can feel like a stake through the heart.

The Agonizing Decision

It’s a unique, but painful reality, that we’ll most likely see our beloved animal die. Very few of our relationships follow this course. The fact that they depend on you for everything makes it a decision many people would rather do anything than have to make. The “perfect time” may never come; it might ultimately be too soon or too late. This forces us to ask: how does a person truly know when the time is “right” for euthanasia? Even if our beloved animal dies naturally, the pain can be extremely excruciating and confusing.

Paying attention to how the animal is eating, drinking, sleeping, and moving as well as their overall happiness and energy is key. It’s the humans who are reluctant to make the decision despite people saying that their animal “tells them” or “lets them know when it’s time.”

 

  

When the time comes, please try to be there with your animal. It will be difficult, but it means so much, and tell them they are so brave. Some veterinarians say one of the saddest scenes is when a person will drop off their animal because they can’t bear to be there during the process. It’s heartbreaking because the animal searches for their owner, making it even more stressful for them.

Nature of Grief

Grieving is a normal reaction to the loss of something or someone for which there is an attachment or a value. We grieve because we love.

One of the most common statements I hear is “I can’t believe I feel this way. Am I normal?”The loss of anyone close to us is difficult. But when it comes to animals, their purity, trust, unconditional love, and vulnerability are what can make it even more painful. They relied on us for everything and we want to do right by them. Research has shown that many times losing a beloved animal is comparable to losing a person. Immediately following a loss, holding steady through the storm is what is important. Feeling “good” may not come for a while

Even though each person’s grief is unique, there are some similarities. Many people have shared that they are not only sad beyond belief, but feel disoriented, like they’re going through their lives in slow motion, or can’t seem to get their footing. You may feel anger at God/Higher Power/The Universe, the veterinarian, or the world, in general. You may feel lonely, especially if you had a morning or evening routine, of the animal greeting you in bed or when you got home from work. There may be sleepless nights, lack of appetite, and/or missed days from work.

Immediately following a loss, holding steady through the storm is what is important. Feeling “good” may not come for a while.

However, if you start to notice that you’re not getting out of bed, isolating yourself, racking up extensive work absences, or self-medicating, it’s important to talk to a professional. Grief can also present physically. If you notice any physical symptoms that require attention, please see a medical professional. Broken Heart Syndrome is a real thing. It’s always OK to ask for help.

A side note: Trying to convince someone who just doesn’t understand why you’re so upset is a waste of your energy. Some people aren’t animal people, just like some aren’t sports people. Just surround yourself with those who will support you.  

Sometimes people will do anything to avoid grieving, which is completely understandable. It is painful, messy and bumpy. Grief sits and waits.  Sometimes a death can be a watershed moment for previous losses and traumas to come barreling down, giving life to feelings that have been dormant or suppressed.  

On one occasion, after speaking on pet loss, a gentleman in a suit and tie approached me, thanking me for the presentation. He said that he didn’t cry when his grandmother and father died, but when he lost his dog, he could hardly keep it together. I gave him my condolences and asked about his dog. He answered with a cracked voice, and had to quickly excuse himself. My guess is the emerging tears originated from someplace very deep that hadn’t seen the light of day for a long time.  

Guilt

Guilt is one of the most insidious parts of pet loss. The woulda, shoulda, couldas can literally eat away at our core. I should have done more, I could have done this or that...Even in the rare and tragic instances when the owner accidentally brings about the untimely demise of their beloved, it’s just that--an accident. Intention is everything. This takes time; a lifetime, perhaps. But the process of self-forgiveness is imperative.

Some even feel guilty if they noticed they aren’t feeling the gut-wrenching sadness, or they’re not “grieving right.” It isn’t a betrayal if you find you go through a day without crying. It simply means you’re moving through the healing process.

In saying that, grief isn’t linear. Remembering anniversaries is extremely important. It’s almost a certainty that grief will blindside you at some point, even years later. When this happens, self-compassion is paramount. You’ll see a kitty in a commercial or hear a dog bark and instantly be reminded of your beloved.  Or you’ll drive by a hillside lined with horses and get choked up.

It’s an almost certainty grief will blindside you at some point. 

When this happens, self-compassion is paramount.

Just acknowledging the grief can mitigate some of the hurt. “All right, grief. You got me. You knocked me down. Again. It hurts. It sucks. But I’m getting back up. Might be slowly, but I’m doing it.”

Children

The loss of an animal is oftentimes the first time a child experiences death, and they are often ill-equipped to articulate their experience or feelings. In many cases, children’s grief manifests into somatic reactions, such as stomachaches or headaches. When they’re young, using euphemisms can confuse them. For example, if they are told “Sophie is now in Heaven,” the child might be angry at God for taking Sophie away. In these cases, it’s important to say the words “Sophie has died and she’s not coming back,” since they interpret statements literally. Then allow them to talk about their favorite stories of Sophie, or what they will miss about her. The child might not want to talk right away; they just need to know someone is available should they need to talk. Grief is a new phenomenon to them, and children are observing and looking to the adults in their lives on how to process grief.

The Elderly

After a spouse’s death or children have left home, many times a pet becomes a trusted companion for the elderly.  The person often finds purpose and identity caring for their animal, as well as a reliable companion in their lives (i.e. the older person with the really cool dog or horse). They may not be able to communicate the impact the animals had on their lives, which can intensify their grief.

“Don’t Do Nothing.”

The energy of grief can shift from the once hourly tears to the daily tears.  When this happens, channeling your energy into a creative endeavor can be therapeutic. As one of my professors said about grief, “Don’t do nothing.” A few examples include: holding a memorial service, helping spread the ashes of a cremated pet, sharing a moment of silence, starting a foundation, creating a scrapbook or photo album, drawing a picture, getting a pawprint, bracelet out of their hair, and writing a poem. One client even changed her career because the loss of her dog reminded her of how fleeting Life is. 

I wrote my novel, BURIED DEEP IN OUR HEARTS. Children are incredibly inventive at coming up with ideas. You are only limited by your imagination to commemorate your animal’s life.

Some people jump into getting another animal right away whereas others swear off ever allowing an animal back in their life because the pain is too great. Both sides can have their drawbacks. It can be easy to forget all the time, energy and costs involved with a new animal. What will your life look like in another 10-15 years? And, in the case of horses and some birds, 20-30 years, or more? In addition, the new animal will have its own personality and quirks and isn’t a mere clone of your previous animal. On the other hand, there are countless animals who need a good home. Ultimately, you need to make the best decision for you and your family.

You’re Not Alone

Please know there are countless animal lovers around the world who have gone through what you’re going through. Reach out. Remember. Reminisce. Talk about your animal and how he or she touched your life. Then, listen to their stories. Sharing experiences can be extremely healing, either in person or through online resources such as the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement (www.APLB.org) or The Ralph Site (www.TheRalphSite.com). Sometimes even another stranger standing in line at the grocery store can understand.

The extraordinary connection you have with your animal has changed who you are. And, now that they’re gone, your connection simply looks different, but will never die.

Your animal will always live in your heart and memories. Even though the pain of losing our beloved animals is immense, our lives are much sweeter because of the paw and hoof prints they leave on our hearts. This makes it all worthwhile. 

As a speaker, author, counselor and former psychology instructor, Tracie Barton-Barrett is a life-long devotee to animals, from her first job working in a veterinarian's office, to pet-sitting, to a counselor with a specialty in pet loss. She has created presentations and led support groups on the human-animal bond, including staff of animal shelters. In her debut novel, BURIED DEEP IN OUR HEARTS, features dog, cat, and horse story lines to celebrate the important bond with our animals and to honor their memory, and she hopes her novel will allow the reader to relate, reflect, and reminisce. She also has a YouTube series entitled “Psychology Snippets” which discusses psychological topics in small, bite-sized videos. Tracie and her husband, Daniel, are owned by two cats, Rutherford B. Barrett, and Oliver Monkey.

  

“Our lives are richer when we allow our animals’ short lives to transform our own.”

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